Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Updated Asshole Convention Handbook

To follow are the first 20 rules of the asshole convention handbook. If you don't know what the asshole convention is, it's an ongoing convention that most guys attend at least some point in their life. Some of them immediately leave and never go back, and the rest, well....they become experts at being an asshole. After knowing a couple senior members of the convention, I have had the unfortunate pleasure of experiencing the first 20 rules of the handbook are. They are:

Rule 1: Do not immediately return calls, texts or emails. This is a must to remain part of the convention. Senior member status will be granted to those who refrain from returning calls, texts, or emails for 3 or more weeks at a time.

Rule 2: Never say "yes" or "no". Any questions, even really important life altering one's, should be responded to with "I don't know" or "maybe". This will prevent you from making any commitments.

Rule 3: Rarely appear grateful for gifts, money, random acts of kindness, etc. This will make them work harder to please you.

Rule 4: Your man time and man friends come first. No matter what.

Rule 5: You will read your asshole convention handbook one or more times per week.

Rule 6: You must occasionally make plans and fail to stick with them. You can either A) cancel them or B) suggest them and then later pretend you forgot.

Rule 7: You must attend the convention at least once per month. Any member who fails to attend the convention for 6 or more consecutive months will be not be allowed to re-enter unless they provide proof that their signifigant other is a member of the crazy bitch convention.

Rule 8: You must memorize Rule 1.

Rule 9: Occasionally arrive late or call them a few hours later than you say you will.

Rule 10 You must perform one or more of the first 9 rules per week.

Rule 11. Lie, lie, lie. Lie about how much you love them, lie about how much you miss them and lie about when you will see them.

Rule 12. Always act like you don't know what you want. If you let them know you're crazy about them, we're pretty sure they will pressure you to marry them.

Rule 13. It's okay to break up, deliver devastating news or have an argument through text messaging.

Rule 14. If she has to cancel plans or can't talk when you text or call her, forget about her and find someone new. We should be more important than anything else, including work.

Rule 15. You must be an asshole to her at least once a week. Preferably more.

Rule 16. Never, truly admit to your ex that you're still in love with them. Even if you miss everything about them and realize they are the one you'd rather be with. You'd be admitting that they were right all along and we don't want them to be right.

Rule 17. Do not tolerate their ranting. Even if your actions, or lack thereof, deserve a ranting you are to get mad at them for ranting or nagging you.

Rule 18. Never, ever give them the true reason for why you broke up with them. Warning: They may badger you to death for an answer. If so, refer to Rule 17.

Rule 19. Never be the first to apologize. Even if you know you're in the wrong, let them contact you first.

Rule 20. Membership in the convention is lifetime. Once an asshole, always an asshole.

Stayed tuned for more....

Monday, May 11, 2009

Tornado Fact

Here is a random fact about tornado's.

Deaths from tornadoes are more likely in the Southeastern U.S. than in the Great Plains.
(TRUE: Partly due to: population concentration, lack of basements, also diurnal timing, higher concentration of mobile homes, and finally, religious belief structure).

Now..what in the world does religious beliefs have to do with tornado's??

Welcome to America's your free food stamps

I just read an article on CNN about how refugees are having a hard time finding jobs here in the "land of the free". Welcome to the club. Except in your little club, you get $450 a month housing allowance, food stamps and medical assistance. What do I get? $415 a week minus taxes. That may sound like a lot but out of that roughly $1400 month, I have to pay my mortgage, utilities, groceries AND pay for my own health insurance with is almost worthless. I was born here and have worked here for the last 14 1/2 years. I should be entitled to a little more help than what I'm being given.

I don't qualify for food stamps or for free boxes of food from the food pantry. I don't qualify for reduced utility bills or medicare. Believe me, I've looked. I don't qualify for reduced prescriptions even though I have a potentially deadly heart condition. It's either pay $60 a month for my heart medication or start looking for heart donors.

In 2008, 60,000 people were granted refugee status. That's 60,000 jobs those people now need to find. That's 60,000 people taking away medicare and food stamp assistance from U.S Citizens who were born and raised here and are now unemployed. So what if their country treated them badly. My country treats me badly too and takes all my hard earned unemployment but you don't see me knocking at someone else's boarder asking them if I can come in and have a free ride.

It just irks me that people who aren't from here or who choose to live an irresponsible life are given all these free handouts and those of us that went to college and have professional jobs can't get squat when we get laid off. When the economy is flourishing and unemployment is low, then I have no problem if they want to move here and become U.S citizens. But when the economy is in the crapper and U.S citizens are losing homes and still can't get assistance then ya, that's a problem. We need to be taken care of first and if it means not letting in any immigrants or refugees for a year then so be it. Is making them wait another year or two really going to hurt their feelings? I doubt it.

I mean really,who should be considered more important right now? The millions of respectable U.S citizens that have fallen on hard times and have contributed their fair share to society, or the thugs and immigrants who are either not from here or do nothing but get in trouble and commit crimes? Obviously the latter otherwise I would not be sitting here bitching about how I can't even get a free box of food yet refugees and welfare mommas can.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Why men claim they cheat

I'm watching Dateline and the first half is about me who cheat and why they cheat. According to this man that did a study of 200 men, the reason men say they cheat is because they say they feel like under appreciated servants! Bull$hit..HELLO..who cooks and cleans the house? Who raises the kids, does the laundry, irons their suits? If anyone feels like under appreciated servants it should be the wives since they do way more of the housework than the men!!

Typical. They complain the reason they stray is because there is a lack of passion, they feel like the women doesn't love them anymore or listen to them. Hello...last time I checked...they had a mouth. Maybe they need to use it and speak up instead of making assumptions. It's funny. All the guys they have on the show said when their wives confronted them, they got scared and realized their marriage might be over. Did they not think that might be one of the consequences? Just goes to show they think they can have their cake and eat it too.

I just don't get men. You give them everything you have and they act like you're the best thing that's ever happened to them and then next thing you know they throw it away. They move on like it's no big deal while some of us sit here feeling like the life has been sucked out of them. True love is hard to find and any guy stupid enough to throw it away didn't deserve it in the first place.

Yes...I'm still bitter two years later. You don't tell someone you'll love them forever, talk about getting married, agree to move away, etc. and then act like you never said any of it. Moving on so quickly just goes to show it was either all a lie or someone is too afraid to admit they know I'm right about it being real and they'd rather ignore it by going out with other people. Damn I'm all fired up. I knew I should have changed the channel.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Strange Fact of the Day

So I was reading the Mercury News like I do every day and in the Action Line column, there were various ways to save money. Most of them were common sense but the one I'd never heard before was to avoid making left turns because it uses more gas. I, for the life of me, can not figure out why this is. I googled it and the only thing I could find is that left hand turns require you to remain idle at a light thus using more gas. UPS actually has a software program that maps out drivers routes to avoid left turns.

Now....being the overly analytical person that I am, I suspect the acceleration, wider turn and the awkwardness of making a left turn is also a reason more gas is used. Think about it. If you're on a one way street and make a right turn on to another one way street, you can easily make it around the curve and stay in your own lane without having to apply the brakes which results in losing very little speed. At least I can anyways. On the other hand, if you're on a one way street and turn left onto a one way street, you pretty much have to apply the brakes to get around the curb without drifting into the next lane or losing control of the vehicle. As a result, you'd lose nearly have your speed and have to hit the gas to get back up to the speed you were at before.

I can't figure out if this has something to do with the side of the car we sit on and if it's easier to handle maneuvers on the opposite side you sit on or what. I won't be able to figure that out until I go to Europe and attempt to drive a car there.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Random things I've heard about being jail

I've always admired how nice the jail looks here in Lexington and have always said if I ever have to go to jail, I want it to be here. After learning a few things about what it's like being in jail through my volunteer work with the police thanks! Here are a few random things I've heard:

- You have to buy your own toilet paper. That really sucks if you run out or no one wants to put money on your commissary account.
- You don't get pillows. You have to get creative and make your own. I'd be screwed. I can't sleep without my tempurpedic pillow.
- Calendars are considered contraband. What on gods green earth could someone do with a calendar? You're allowed writing utensils which could be used to stab someone but not a calendar??
- You can make liquor out of 3 or more oranges. (Fine by me! I like the fruity alcoholic drinks anyways)
- You can order food, clothes (jail clothes), etc. from the commissary however, more than a certain amount is considered contraband. I haven't figured out why this is yet. I just can't imagine how 6 slices of bread could become a weapon. If you were a chemist and wanted to grow mold for penicillin so you could poison a guard or another inmate then I could understand that rule but many chemists go to jail??
- You can order food from local restaurants! Yup! They have hot and cold carts that they can order from and some of it is food from select restaurants in town. So much for trying to punish those that break the law.
- The whole one 5 minute phone call per day? Ya..that's a myth to scare all of us chatterboxes from staying out of trouble. You can pretty much make as many calls as you want for a max of 20 minutes each. At least you can here in KY anyways. The murderers only get to call during their 2 hour rec time but two hours of being able to make calls is better than one phone call a day.
- You actually have to pay for a haircut! I automatically assumed you didn't get one and if you did they were free. Nope, they have someone that comes in and does hair cuts. I wonder if they do hilights or can color your hair for you?

That's just a few of the things I've learned so far. A few things like being able to order a wide variety of junk food, extra clothes, etc. and being able to talk on the phone as much as you want really isn't all that bad. Other things like not even being able to have a calendar so you know what day it is or having to buy your own toilet paper...ya..not so much. I know for sure that if I ever went to jail I would be toiletpaperless. I just don't see my parents sending me toilet paper allowance especially if I'm the one that got myself in to that situation. I'm pretty sure my mom would send me an overwhelming amount of coupons and recipes with a sticky note saying "to use when you get out" but that's about it. It'd be my luck that coupons and recipe clippings would be considered contraband!

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Curb Alert: Roommate

Since spring is here, I decided to be like everyone else and get rid of some things I don't need. My roommate, her cat and all her crap! I've decided to give her notice tomorrow and let her know that she has until the end of May to move out. She takes up too much space, she doesn't clean up after herself and I really don't want someone else's pet in my house. In reality, her rent isn't helping out at all. In fact it's probably costing me more. My electricity bill is a lot higher, my water bill is more than double and my grocery bill is higher since I have to buy smaller, packaged foods. I have literally no storage space so I can't buy in bulk or freeze things like I used to.

I think she honestly forgets that this is not her home. Every available square inch is taken up by something of hers. It's so bad she has two 12 packs of soda and her laundry detergent sitting on top of my water heater!! Not to mention she doesn't help keep the place clean. I don't recall mentioning free housekeeping services in my ad. Who the hell does she thinks cleans up all the crumbs she leaves on the counter or kitchen table? Crumb fairy's?!

Regardless of whether I get rent money from her or not, I'll still be royally screwed if I don't have a job by August. If end up having to sell my house then I'd like to live out my finals months in it in peace! If you're looking for a roommate, mine should sitting out on the curb here sometime in the next 4 to 6 weeks.