Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Updated Asshole Convention Handbook

To follow are the first 20 rules of the asshole convention handbook. If you don't know what the asshole convention is, it's an ongoing convention that most guys attend at least some point in their life. Some of them immediately leave and never go back, and the rest, well....they become experts at being an asshole. After knowing a couple senior members of the convention, I have had the unfortunate pleasure of experiencing the first 20 rules of the handbook are. They are:

Rule 1: Do not immediately return calls, texts or emails. This is a must to remain part of the convention. Senior member status will be granted to those who refrain from returning calls, texts, or emails for 3 or more weeks at a time.

Rule 2: Never say "yes" or "no". Any questions, even really important life altering one's, should be responded to with "I don't know" or "maybe". This will prevent you from making any commitments.

Rule 3: Rarely appear grateful for gifts, money, random acts of kindness, etc. This will make them work harder to please you.

Rule 4: Your man time and man friends come first. No matter what.

Rule 5: You will read your asshole convention handbook one or more times per week.

Rule 6: You must occasionally make plans and fail to stick with them. You can either A) cancel them or B) suggest them and then later pretend you forgot.

Rule 7: You must attend the convention at least once per month. Any member who fails to attend the convention for 6 or more consecutive months will be not be allowed to re-enter unless they provide proof that their signifigant other is a member of the crazy bitch convention.

Rule 8: You must memorize Rule 1.

Rule 9: Occasionally arrive late or call them a few hours later than you say you will.

Rule 10 You must perform one or more of the first 9 rules per week.

Rule 11. Lie, lie, lie. Lie about how much you love them, lie about how much you miss them and lie about when you will see them.

Rule 12. Always act like you don't know what you want. If you let them know you're crazy about them, we're pretty sure they will pressure you to marry them.

Rule 13. It's okay to break up, deliver devastating news or have an argument through text messaging.

Rule 14. If she has to cancel plans or can't talk when you text or call her, forget about her and find someone new. We should be more important than anything else, including work.

Rule 15. You must be an asshole to her at least once a week. Preferably more.

Rule 16. Never, truly admit to your ex that you're still in love with them. Even if you miss everything about them and realize they are the one you'd rather be with. You'd be admitting that they were right all along and we don't want them to be right.

Rule 17. Do not tolerate their ranting. Even if your actions, or lack thereof, deserve a ranting you are to get mad at them for ranting or nagging you.

Rule 18. Never, ever give them the true reason for why you broke up with them. Warning: They may badger you to death for an answer. If so, refer to Rule 17.

Rule 19. Never be the first to apologize. Even if you know you're in the wrong, let them contact you first.

Rule 20. Membership in the convention is lifetime. Once an asshole, always an asshole.

Stayed tuned for more....