Monday, April 13, 2009

Random things I've heard about being jail

I've always admired how nice the jail looks here in Lexington and have always said if I ever have to go to jail, I want it to be here. After learning a few things about what it's like being in jail through my volunteer work with the police thanks! Here are a few random things I've heard:

- You have to buy your own toilet paper. That really sucks if you run out or no one wants to put money on your commissary account.
- You don't get pillows. You have to get creative and make your own. I'd be screwed. I can't sleep without my tempurpedic pillow.
- Calendars are considered contraband. What on gods green earth could someone do with a calendar? You're allowed writing utensils which could be used to stab someone but not a calendar??
- You can make liquor out of 3 or more oranges. (Fine by me! I like the fruity alcoholic drinks anyways)
- You can order food, clothes (jail clothes), etc. from the commissary however, more than a certain amount is considered contraband. I haven't figured out why this is yet. I just can't imagine how 6 slices of bread could become a weapon. If you were a chemist and wanted to grow mold for penicillin so you could poison a guard or another inmate then I could understand that rule but many chemists go to jail??
- You can order food from local restaurants! Yup! They have hot and cold carts that they can order from and some of it is food from select restaurants in town. So much for trying to punish those that break the law.
- The whole one 5 minute phone call per day? Ya..that's a myth to scare all of us chatterboxes from staying out of trouble. You can pretty much make as many calls as you want for a max of 20 minutes each. At least you can here in KY anyways. The murderers only get to call during their 2 hour rec time but two hours of being able to make calls is better than one phone call a day.
- You actually have to pay for a haircut! I automatically assumed you didn't get one and if you did they were free. Nope, they have someone that comes in and does hair cuts. I wonder if they do hilights or can color your hair for you?

That's just a few of the things I've learned so far. A few things like being able to order a wide variety of junk food, extra clothes, etc. and being able to talk on the phone as much as you want really isn't all that bad. Other things like not even being able to have a calendar so you know what day it is or having to buy your own toilet paper...ya..not so much. I know for sure that if I ever went to jail I would be toiletpaperless. I just don't see my parents sending me toilet paper allowance especially if I'm the one that got myself in to that situation. I'm pretty sure my mom would send me an overwhelming amount of coupons and recipes with a sticky note saying "to use when you get out" but that's about it. It'd be my luck that coupons and recipe clippings would be considered contraband!

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Curb Alert: Roommate

Since spring is here, I decided to be like everyone else and get rid of some things I don't need. My roommate, her cat and all her crap! I've decided to give her notice tomorrow and let her know that she has until the end of May to move out. She takes up too much space, she doesn't clean up after herself and I really don't want someone else's pet in my house. In reality, her rent isn't helping out at all. In fact it's probably costing me more. My electricity bill is a lot higher, my water bill is more than double and my grocery bill is higher since I have to buy smaller, packaged foods. I have literally no storage space so I can't buy in bulk or freeze things like I used to.

I think she honestly forgets that this is not her home. Every available square inch is taken up by something of hers. It's so bad she has two 12 packs of soda and her laundry detergent sitting on top of my water heater!! Not to mention she doesn't help keep the place clean. I don't recall mentioning free housekeeping services in my ad. Who the hell does she thinks cleans up all the crumbs she leaves on the counter or kitchen table? Crumb fairy's?!

Regardless of whether I get rent money from her or not, I'll still be royally screwed if I don't have a job by August. If end up having to sell my house then I'd like to live out my finals months in it in peace! If you're looking for a roommate, mine should sitting out on the curb here sometime in the next 4 to 6 weeks.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

R.I.P Ice Cream Scoop

My ice cream scoop was man handled last night. I tried to stop her. I tried hiding it the dishwasher or in the back of the drawer but she always managed to find it. First she puts a hole in my couch cover and now she breaks my ice cream scoop. If you want to gorge yourself and watch yourself grow wider and wider, that's great but please don't break my stuff in the process.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

First 10 rules of the asshole convention handbook

Here are the first ten rules of the asshole convention handbook. If you don't know what the asshole convention is, it's an ongoing convention that most guys attend at least some point in their life. Some of them immediately leave and never go back, and the rest, well....they become experts at being an asshole. After knowing a couple senior members of the convention, I think I figured out what the top ten rules of the handbook are. They are as follows:

Rule 1: Do not immediately return calls, texts or emails. This is a must to remain part of the convention. Senior member status will be granted to those who refrain from returning calls, texts, or emails for 3 or more weeks at a time.

Rule 2: Never say "yes" or "no". Any questions, even really important life altering one's, should be responded to with "I don't know" or "maybe". This will prevent you from making any commitments.

Rule 3: Rarely appear grateful for gifts, money, random acts of kindness, etc. This will make them work harder to please you.

Rule 4: Your man time and man friends come first. No matter what.

Rule 5: You will read your asshole convention handbook one or more times per week.

Rule 6: You must occasionally make plans and fail to stick with them. You can either A) cancel them or B) suggest them and then later pretend you forgot.

Rule 7: You must attend the convention at least once per month. Any member who fails to attend the convention for 6 or more consecutive months will be not be allowed to re-enter unless they provide proof that their signifigant other is a member of the crazy bitch convention.

Rule 8: You must memorize Rule 1.

Rule 9: Occasionally arrive late or call them a few hours later than you say you will.

Rule 10 You must perform one or more of the first 9 rules per week.

...Stay tuned for more rules from the asshole convention handbook..

Welcome to bored, annoyed and unemployed.

Welcome to bored, annoyed and unemployed. Catchy title huh? I thought so too. Anyways, I decided to create this so that anyone who's interested can see (or read) what life is like when you become unemployed or go through a rough spot in life. It's not fun to say the least. Hopefully doing this will not only give me something to do but give you something entertaining to read.

If you need a little background on how I've gotten to where I am today here it is:

In March 2007, at the urging of my now ex-boyfriend, I accepted a position in Virginia at the National White Collar Crime Center which is essentially the training ground for any fraud investigator interested in a career with the Feds. Vacancies are few and far between and only the cream of the crop are hired. To make a long story short my dream job didn't work out quite like I thought it would and I was left with one very broken heart. Six months after moving to Virginia it was on a whim (literally) that I decided to move back to KY to try and salvage the relationship I stupidly left behind. No job, even one as highly regarded as that one was worth sacrificing someone that meant the world to me.

Anyways, during my quest to quickly get back to KY, I accepted a fraud investigator position at a bank. Let's just say that was the 2nd biggest mistake of my life. The first is in the paragraph above. Not only did the relationship not work out but neither did the job. In September 2008 (two months after I bought my house), I was let go. And by let go, I don't mean laid off. Let's just say I refuse to break the law for anyone and if it means losing my job then so be it.

Here we are 6 1/2 months later and I'm still unemployed. Not entirely but clothes folder at Old Navy really doesn't count as a job nor is it my dream job.

The broken heart never really fixed itself either. In fact, it's probably worse than before now that I have plenty of free time on my hands to think about how foolish I was to leave behind someone who was really important and special to me. The deep bond and friendship we had has since become strained and it makes me wonder if everything was a lie or would get better with a little quality fun time. I know (and hope) it's fixable with quality time but it takes two for that.

To top it all off, I had to rent out a room in my house and well... let's just say they're the reason I chose to put "annoyed" in the title.

So there you have it. Enjoy.